Falling in Love via an App

Saint-Anne Colloquium, May 2024: A Discourse on "Falling in Love via an App"

My presentation focused on the phenomenon of romantic encounters facilitated through dating applications. Many individuals, including ourselves or our acquaintances, have sought partners—whether for short-term engagements or long-term commitments—via these platforms, driven by the hope and desire to find an ideal match. The objective of this discourse was to examine and question the potential differences between virtual encounters and those occurring in physical settings.

Several stages appear to be integral to this process:

1. Initial engagement: The initial phase involves creating an appealing profile, utilizing both visual elements and carefully chosen words to attract potential partners. Similar to real-life interactions, this stage allows individuals to project their desires and search for a mirroring effect. The words read can evoke visual or sensual perceptions of the person with whom one is interacting.
2. Progression to direct communication: Subsequent interactions through phone conversations or webcam video calls facilitate a deeper connection and allow individuals to verify their initial perceptions and projections.

In contemporary times, the abundance of profiles and the rapid pace of interactions have simplified the process but also introduced a more calculated approach, often involving statistical considerations. The greater the number of potential interactions, the more one must navigate. For some, this mitigates fears of abandonment, as they can easily seek another match if the current one proves unsatisfactory. This raises the question of whether the search for an ideal partner is an attempt to control one’s fate, rather than leaving it to chance or a higher power, and whether this process objectifies potential partners akin to selecting products online.

The choice of words and the presence of typographical errors can reveal much about an individual, influencing their attractiveness to others. This selection process may aid individuals in better defining themselves and clarifying their preferences in a partner, potentially reducing the time spent on serendipitous encounters.

At this stage, being “ghosted” can trigger emotional responses, particularly for those with pre-existing relationship and attachment issues. It remains to be seen whether these virtual experiences elicit emotions as profound as those in real-life encounters.

Family dynamics often replay in these interactions, regardless of the environment being virtual or physical. The ability to communicate with a potential partner at any time can evoke primordial relationship patterns. Conversely, meeting a partner in a physical setting, such as a club, café, wedding, or market, imposes more constraints on access to the other person.

This raises questions about how the body is engaged differently in virtual interactions. Somatic excitement can be experienced without the physical presence of the other person, and emotions can be elicited without direct visual contact. In other words, the absence of a physical body does not preclude excitement. Textual communication can sexualize and erotize interactions, transitioning from visual perception to auditory engagement when verbal communication occurs.

There are notable similarities with real-life interactions. Regardless of success, the journey of finding a sexual or life partner through dedicated applications reflects early relationship patterns. While one might initially believe that virtual interactions provide greater efficiency and choice, the emotional experiences of excitement or mourning do not appear to differ significantly from other forms of dating once a relationship is established.